i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
