He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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