I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
