can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you win again, gameday.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
