I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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