I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
