There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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