we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
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I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
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Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.