Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
