She said her name was "party"
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
