we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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