Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
