people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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