That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
