they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
