i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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