I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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