Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
