he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
