there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Randomize
