Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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