You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
