I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
