I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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