WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
