filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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