It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
