The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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