dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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