sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
