dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
