i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
