Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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