we have pet lesbian snakes
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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