Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
