I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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