Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
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Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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