Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
