I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
