1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
