Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
