Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
