I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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