My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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