i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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