Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
My vagina is officially offended.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
