ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
