Your face is a jimmy john
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
