This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
