Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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