I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
