I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
