just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
